Merit Pay, Part I

"Merit Pay"
It sounds...well, almost noble.
"I will be paid based on my merit."
Has a nice ring to it.
Even the definition of merit is appealing: character or conduct deserving reward, honor, or esteem...to be worthy of...
How can one not like that? I will be rewarded and honored! Where do I sign up?!
Well...life ain't exactly like a box of chocolates. Or if it is then I'm not eating chocolate ever again.
We all know what merit pay really is: a way to motivate (i.e. threaten) teachers into working even harder than they presently do so test scores will go up. It's the financial equivalent of a spoiled child holding his breath until the caring (albeit a bit naive) parent succumbs. It's blackmail. It's an outright threat. But guess what...teachers will continue doing what they've done for decades and teach those kids, spend their own money, and do whatever else needs to be done. And at the end of the day? They'll shoulder the burden and the blame for those kids who just don't care or who simply can't do it. Yes. Base teachers' pay on that.
President Obama favors merit pay. And to reward and honor him I would like to suggest that his pay be based on his performance. How would that work? AIG bailout: he loses $1,200. Nominee for some cabinet post isn't approved: he loses $800. Approval rating drops to 58%: he loses $1410. Bet that would light a fire under is presidential can.
Perhaps we could base everyone's pay on merit!
Cops don't solve the big heist? It's gonna cost 'em each $315.
"My Big Mac only had one pickle on it!" There's $18.95 that kid'll never see again.
...I can see it now...
"Hey! My sideburns aren't even!" $23.
"You missed a spot!" $14.50.
"This shirt is missing a button!" $9.99.
And the best part of it all? Yep...it's so practical.
Ok, so it's not practical. So why do so many people support it? Simple. Their jobs aren't based on "merit". You're going to base my pay on the performance of some 10 year olds on a test? What if the kid is sick, has test anxiety, has suffered a traumatic brain injury, had a fight with his mom, missed the bus, missed breakfast, is being abused, has mental difficulties, had a fight with dad, misses dad because he's in jail, misses mom because she ran off and left the kids with grandma, or the myriad of other things that effect the psyche of kids. It's not practical, but it IS insulting.
You want me to be accountable? Super. Give me a list of things to do and I'll do them. Just don't change the list, stop funding the stuff on the list, increase the size of the list, or penalize me for doing the stuff on the list in a more logical order...based on the people working on the list. At the end of the year I will present you with a completely checked off list and my personal assurance that everything was well done.
One last thing before I end for the evening...you tell teachers that their pay is going to be based on test scores...who do you think is going to volunteer to teach those kids who have learning disabilities, behavior issues, and/or little motivation? You might just as well put all the kids in little green sweaters with $$ on the front. Teachers'll be trying to figure out how much this latest class is going to cost them.